Monday, April 27, 2009

Home for my fingers

Maybe it's Maslow's Dog theory in play but my fingers get really excited whenever they see a keyboard.

Like, if my fingers had an individual Finger Mind and mouth and everything, they would be drooling when the computer comes into sight and trembling with excitement.

But really, it's where my fingers are most at home...pounding away at the keyboard and conveying my jumbled thoughts into sensible words on the screen.

The power of the press would be nothing without fingers.

(but now they have that awesomely cool AMAZING technology where you speak into your computer and it transposes your words onto the screen. I want that.)

Sunday, April 26, 2009

On going to church alone

BACKGROUND: As avid as a blogger as I am, I also have blogs that I read and have read for years now and in some weird cyber-way, feel as if these people are my friends even though I've never met them before in my life. But for so many of us writing is our therapy, our outlet, the very inside-ness of our beings and after following someone's blog for a year or more, you start to develop friendships, a knowingness about each other.

Meet Angie, a mom of four in Nashville, Tennessee who started her blog after receiving news that her baby girl Audrey would not and could not survive outside her womb. Angie's blog has inspired me on so many different levels and I encourage you to hop on over and plan on spending at least a few hours just reading and soaking in her words.

Anyway, on one of her "insignificant" blog posts, she "insignificantly" mentioned the name of her church and the name of a church that one of their dear friends pastors. While I spent my eight months in New Mexico, I thought about how awesome it would be to hopefully meet Angie one day face-to-face and also attend the church her friend pastors.

After my 1,200 mile trek last week, that opporunity presented itself today. TODAY.

STORY: Where I'm living right now is about 90 miles from Nashville, takes about 1.5 hours, which, yes, is a ridiculous amount of time to get somewhere. But let me remind you where I came from - New Mexico. And let me just say that in order to get ANYWHERE in the Land of Enchantment, it takes FOREVER. Suffice it to say, I'm used to packing my cooler, fueling up, hitting the road and not stopping till I arrive at my chosen destination.

That's exactly what I did today. You guys, I was PUMPED. I was thirsty to be in the presence of God.

SIDENOTE: I've been doing this thing lately where I've gone to do something and then suddenly realized, "Oh, wait. What am I going to say? How is THAT going to work?" For example: yesterday was my brother's prom and I was stoked. Like, super stoked. He's the first Wise kid to EVER experience this and I was so super happy and proud of him and for him. (sidenote to the sidenote would be: he looked so hot in his tux!) Anyway, I was also concerned about kids drinking alchohol and driving on the mountain intoxicated. I didn't want him to be involved in an accident due to someone else's lack of ambition in life. So I decided to call the local police department to make sure they were going to have adequate patrol for the night. I dialed the number and before dispatch picked up, I hung up because suddenly I realized, "What the hell are you going to SAY?!"

I rehearsed it in my head and called back and delivered my speech, after which I was assured the deputies were going to be patrolling the mountain and all should be well (and it was.)

BACK TO THE STORY: I found the church, parked and sat there. Then suddenly: what the hell are you doing? My church-bubble was deflated and I got the alone-jitters that I usually get when participating in activities usually experienced with another person (i.e. going to the movies, moving, etc.) So I put on my lip-gloss, dialed Mom and joined the flow of people through what I assumed were the doors to the auditorium. I told Mom where I was, what I was doing, all that good stuff and then hung up to go into the church and find my seat.

I sat down and immediately typed this into my Facebook profile: Holly thinks going to church alone is like going to the movies alone...everyone's looking at you wondering why you're alone.

In my (momentary) defense, people really were looking at me.

Shortly after that, the worship started and halfway into the first song, I was convicted about what I had written. Because, really, in that moment, I was NOT alone. I was joining about 600 people in one voice, in one song in worship to our Creator and I was the furthest thing from alone.

THE SERMON: Angie is in Calcutta right now with Compassion and with her is the pastor of Crosspoint Church, where I visited this morning. But the pastor who filled in preached a sermon that was, true to God-form, exactly what I wanted and needed to hear.

It was about Hope. And how hope belongs to us and how it makes you take gigantic steps.

I think the part that blessed me the most was the "free" part when he quoted Hebrews 12:2 - "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...."

"Sometimes we want to take the pen and write our book," he said. "We don't like that chapter, we don't like that page of our life....but the perfection comes when we submit to his authorship."

ME: This is exactly what I've been going through and what I've been trying to convey in a poor way as I myself am coming to terms with this fact: God is the Author of my life. He is writing my story and it's one that, right now, I'm not sure what He's doing or where the plot's going. I, in my need to know everything and control most of what I can, have been struggling, wrestling, tug-of-warring with Him.

"You can have THAT part but I want this."

"No, I want everything."

"I'll trade you this for that."

And he whispers, "Do you trust me?"

But I know what I'm doing. I don't know what You're doing. The plan...stick to the plan.

He wants everything.

Friday, April 24, 2009


Here's the scenario and I'm writing it this way because I couldn't think of any other way to do it. So here goes:

1) You have to move from your house
2) You can only take what will fit in your car
3) The rest of the stuff you can retrieve at a later time

What do you take?

For those of you who have often wondered what you would take but, unlike Yours Truly, have stayed put in one place OR have moved with newfangled things like U-Hauls and such, here's a look at some of the things I took and the process by which I decided I was taking them.

First of all, I knew all five of my dogs had to go with me. That really cut back the room in my Mom-Mobile (a.k.a. The Station Wagon) so I knew I'd have to limit the items I took and pack them carefully.

Next, I went through my entire house and picked out all the Yard Sale items. Things that probably shouldn't have made the trip with me TO New Mexico would NOT be going back with me.

After that, I sorted out what I absolutely needed to take with me and what could stay at Mom's until I could get it later.

Things like:
-home decor
were not going with me.

So here's some things I DID take:
ANKLE BRACES (which ended up being a good choice since I sprained my ankle the other day)
DESK STUFF - pictures, files, notes, etc.
PIG w/ money

I spent part of this afternoon (after being at my Temporary Place of Employment this morning) unpacking some of my car. But unfortunately with my age of 25 comes my lack of desire to COMPLETE a project, especially one that doesn't HAVE to be done right now. Plus, I mean, I did work-out once today and walk a couple miles with the dogs - on a sprained ankle. So, I'll finish unpacking my plethora of unusual and what-I-thought-necessary items tomorrow...or the next day.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Such a weird place of life

I can't really explain the place I'm in right now because I have so many emotions floating through my head and at any given point in the day, I'm liable to change my mind and switch gears.

So we'll just suffice it to say that I'm still trying to trust, still relying on the fact that there's a reason why I'm here and trying to find peace in the fact that I'm not operating in my calling.

That last one is really hard. I miss writing, I miss journalism, I miss making a difference in people's lives, I miss the truth.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Trust...and trust again

Do you trust me?

Yes. Yes, I do.

"You cannot produce trust just like you cannot 'do' humility. It either is or is not. Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved." - The Shack

(EDIT TO ADD: Last night during prayer, I shared about the journey of trust I've been going through and one of my dear friends, Rachel, recited the above quote from The Shack. I knew this morning that I wanted to add it to my blog but I didn't know where in the book the quote was located. My mom was talking to Rachel on the phone and I told her I needed to talk to Rachel when she was ask her about the quote. In the meantime, I prayed:

"Lord, show me where the quote is." There's 253 pages in the book - trying to find it on my own in a timely fashion was going to be impossible.

Immediately, my mind was enundated with thoughts like, "do you really think he can tell you where the quote is?", "what if he doesn't tell you? what does that mean?"

"No, I believe He can. " I mean, He IS orchestrating my life. Surely He knows where a quote is in a book.

Friends, He does.

"Page 125."

I flipped to page 125 and saw that Mack was having a conversation with Sarayu/Papa about the fact that Mack didn't think God was good because he didn't trust. I kept reading the conversation.

"The real underlying flaw in your life is that you don't think that I am good. If you knew I was good and that everything - the means, the ends, and all the processes of individual lives - is all covered by my goodness, then while you might not always understand what I am doing, you would trust me. But you don't."

I kept reading the conversation, which flipped over onto page 126 and there it was:

"You cannot produce trust just like you cannot 'do' humility. It either is or is not. Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved."

Yes, yes I do. I trust.)

Monday, April 13, 2009


We had a two-day-old calf die the second day I was here at Mom's house. Its mother tucked it under a tree and left. About a day and a half later, the calf starved to death. Most ranchers and even myself call it instinct - the mother leaves the calf to go forage for food and regardless of the outcome, the calf will stay where it's been told to.

Due to an immature first-time mom, this outcome was death.

This story outlines the general lessons I've been learning while at mom's house except I'm clearly not dead and my mom's not a cow.

Do you trust me?

My immediate answer is an offended YES!

Ah, but do I really trust?

No, unfortunately.

You see, I am plan-oriented. And there are certain guidelines to the plan-making processing and execution:

1) the plan has to make sense
2) the plan has to be execut-able in preferrably numerous, small steps
3) I have to know the plan
4) I have to create the plan

I did have a plan created. But now, in the last 2 weeks, I've been reduced to trust. Quite a dilemma, right? Perhaps I should say I've been promoted to trust.

The plan is no longer my plan. I am not in control and I barely know the next step. What could possibly sound like a desperate, horrifying roller-coaster ride, is actually a sweet, if not fun, relationship.

The Lord does know my next step.

And yeah, I do trust.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Start and Stop

I have about three posts started but for some reason or another (you know, work and all the demands that go with it, on top of packing, moving, etc.) I have them all unfinished and despite their titles, I can't remember what they were going to be about.

So here I am - unemployed, sitting on my mom's couch, alternating between The Wedding Planner and Lingo, suddenly feeling creatively inspired when I remembered, ah, I have a blog for moments such as this. You know, moments when I have something to say, and I decide to blab it out to the whole world. Or, my world at least.

As entirely loser-like as I may sound right now (the whole unemployed/sitting on my mom's couch thing), it's really quite glorious. And my days of relaxation could not have come at a more appropriate time.

For those who don't know and as a reminder for those who do, I have Lyme Disease, which is a very cyclic illness that strikes at random but with precision-like skill. The symptoms have been plaguing me for the past 4 or 5 weeks now but the night I got to mom's house, they accelerated and right now, I don't like my body or the things it does to me during these times - the brick-wall fatigue that left me limping through Sam's Club and sitting in the truck while everyone else went into Wal-Mart, the random fevers, body aches, numbness on the right side of my body, sensory sensitivity, headaches, insomnia and on it goes.

So it's a good thing I'm able to sleep till 11, live life at a slow pace right now and enjoy being with family until this random cycle decides to pass and I have my energy, strength, and all other good things back.

In other news, my amazing German Shepherd killed one of my mom's sheep yesterday and I felt terrible. Skye took a liking to chasing them but apparently yesterday things got a little out of control and the ewe was left dead in the corral, with an expert bite and tear to her neck. Mom handled the whole situation very well and Skye is left to be tied up outside when she's not attended by me.

I've hit a rough spell with her, as far as attitude goes. She's like my rebellious teenager right now who needs direction, which is another good reason why I have unlimited amounts of time to spend with her in training. And the training is going well, really. Maybe not on the no-sheep-killing-side but on the sit, down, stay, find Micah side, all is great!

So here's my post for today. The battery on mom's computer is about to die so cheers for a peaceful Monday!