Thursday, November 15, 2012

today is a grieving day

It's hard to say what triggers the great sadness. A memory, a smell, seasons, life events, an aching in the just happens, and then the tears are there, or sometimes a smile, but mostly tears right now.

I've never felt this before, this overwhelming sense of loss. Life has been a certain way for 29 years with shifts here and there, but there have been constants. And now those constants are withdrawn, they're away from me, changed now and forever in a course of new history.

I'm mourning my losses and grieving when my heart says to grieve.

I don't know why my heart chose Thursday, Nov. 15 as a grieving day, but it did, just like it chose Wednesday night, Nov. 14, and Saturday, Nov. 10 and Sunday, Nov. 11. 

"Holly, why are you crying? Are you OK?"
"I'm just sad. Today is a crying day."

"Will it always feel this way? I can't stop crying. I'm crying just talking about crying."
"It sounds like you just need to cry."

The grief is greedy today. 

I have a visual of my heart, it came to me Saturday night, Nov. 10.
It's bleeding and open, swollen and raw. It's not pretty; it's no wonder I'm crying.
The wound has been cleaned, scrubbed, it's not infected. It's been stuffed with gauze and laced loosely shut, easily reopened and accessible to more cleaning, scrubbing, disinfectant.
It's healing, but painfully slow.

Everyone grieves differently. Give yourself the freedom to find your way in your grief-journey.
I've said that before to friends, and it's true.

Grieve, brave heart, how you must.


steadfast1229 said...

Thank you for permission to feel, even when the feelings are those of pain and grief. It's important to take that time. You are an amazing example of maturity, honestly and live with an open heart. I am thankful for you.

steadfast1229 said...
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Mary Zolene said...

I think you should visit Hotel Agbovi...You have a sister, bro-in-law and adorable niece who would love to visit with you and cheer you up. :)
Sometimes you have to reach out and grab what you want...

randyalan said...

I mourn with you Holly cause you're my kid and I love you. But the road to recovery goes through the process of restoration. Just reach out.