Thursday, November 15, 2012
today is a grieving day
It's hard to say what triggers the great sadness. A memory, a smell, seasons, life events, an aching in the soul...it just happens, and then the tears are there, or sometimes a smile, but mostly tears right now.
I've never felt this before, this overwhelming sense of loss. Life has been a certain way for 29 years with shifts here and there, but there have been constants. And now those constants are withdrawn, they're away from me, changed now and forever in a course of new history.
I'm mourning my losses and grieving when my heart says to grieve.
I don't know why my heart chose Thursday, Nov. 15 as a grieving day, but it did, just like it chose Wednesday night, Nov. 14, and Saturday, Nov. 10 and Sunday, Nov. 11.
"Holly, why are you crying? Are you OK?"
"I'm just sad. Today is a crying day."
"Will it always feel this way? I can't stop crying. I'm crying just talking about crying."
"It sounds like you just need to cry."
The grief is greedy today.
I have a visual of my heart, it came to me Saturday night, Nov. 10.
It's bleeding and open, swollen and raw. It's not pretty; it's no wonder I'm crying.
The wound has been cleaned, scrubbed, it's not infected. It's been stuffed with gauze and laced loosely shut, easily reopened and accessible to more cleaning, scrubbing, disinfectant.
It's healing, but painfully slow.
Everyone grieves differently. Give yourself the freedom to find your way in your grief-journey.
I've said that before to friends, and it's true.
Grieve, brave heart, how you must.