I was contemplating today and rereading over some of my blog posts from April to now, mostly thinking about life and how it changes and the process through which that change evolves.
In the past six months I have lived a lot of life that I really wished I could have avoided but I'm thankful that I didnt.
The old adage goes, "What doesnt kill you will make you stronger" and isnt that the damn truth.
I thought I was being squeezed to death, really, the pressure was that heavy sometimes.
I cried in my bed and beat on some walls. Literally. I counted coins in my piggy bank and wondered why I was.
I resented my 'job'. I think it'd be fair to say I resented my life and the God who was directing it.
Or at least, trying to direct when I'd get out of the way.
I told him I didnt trust him. I couldnt find rest in him. I wondered what the purpose was and when I could be let in on the secret.
But all the while I knew there was a plan. I would catch glimpses of it every once in awhile, enough to keep me going, to encourage my faith, to stretch my assurance in Christ. Despite my late-night wonderings and pleading conversations with God, I could see him using me and that gave me an edge of peace.
Still, what was my purpose? What is my purpose? Surely I'm not the only one who asks that question and struggles with the answer. Whose lives am I effecting? Who am I reaching? Am I making a difference?
There has not been a grand entrance of an answer but a quiet knowing stillness. Trumpets didnt blast and horns didnt sound but there was a day when I knew it had shifted. A day when suddenly, it all started making sense
Now I'm beginning to see a small view of the picture he's been creating while I was waiting. I'm excited to know there has been a picture in the process and I'm excited to watch it unfold.
So here's my small view of the big picture, given to you.
I am (most likely) returning to New Mexico but in a much different capacity then when I was there before. I'm moving to my mom and stepdad's ranch on top of a mountain, the mountain I once said was too remote for me to live on at that particular time. But now, the time is right.
If it's possible to believe that moving to the middle of 32,000 acres is actually what God wants you to do to reach and minister to people, that's what I believe.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry