Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Emotionfull

I'm sitting outside the Cottage with a sock monkey and a shoe tucked under my arm, treasures from Tuck who doesn't understand that this stuff doesn't belong to him. He thinks it does and so he parades around with it until I, yelling, snag it from his mouth and tuck it under my armpit.

I'm thinking tonight, thinking about life and family, thinking about my heart and healing. A friend asked me today how I was. I replied honestly:

I'm mad this morning. I'm mad at my siblings. I'm mad at bitterness and anger that's corrupted their hearts. I'm mad at the things that it's stolen from me. I'm mad that I've (hopefully) temporarily lost my sisters and one of my brothers. I'm mad that I've been excommunicated and that I'm left to deal with the ramifications of their misinformed decisions. I'm just mad.

And I'm hurt.

I'm hurt that my life is moving on, and they're not involved to be a part of it. I'm hurt that I go to text them about all the random stuff I text them about, but I'm halted because I won't get a response. I'm hurt that my heart feels disposable. I'm hurt that I told them this would happen and nobody listened. I'm hurt that we will never be the same. But mostly, today, I'm just mad.

Tonight I wish everything were different.
I wish I hadn't been in a courtroom three weeks ago.
I wish my family had been more honest with each other.
I wish I had been more honest with them.
I wish that arrogance and pride weren't winning.
I wish this were a nightmare and that I'd wake up and my little brother would be beside me, and we'd all be just three days away from a weekend together.
I wish the reality weren't that it'll be a long time before we're all together again.
I wish there was a wake-up call.
I wish that my family's history wasn't being re-written by hate and bitterness.

In the meantime, I wish for grace and peace.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your pain! I obviously don't know the circumstances but family fighting is never fun. I hope that the issue gets resolved and that you can start building your relationship with your siblings again. You seem, from what I have read, I won't pretend to know know you, a strong caring happy person and you will get through this!

Life as I know it said...

You're very kind. Thank you.

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Sharon said...

I was so sad to read your blog, which I came upon after reading my friends and pressing the 'next blog' tag! I have also been excommunicated by my family, the last time I saw them was over 4 years ago (26th February 2008), on the day of our mother's funeral! It is a very long story, one which I have written about in private in a notebook, but basically I have 1 siter and brother, and 2 half sisters, and a gaggle of nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews, and almost all of them do not talk to me anymore (I have one brave niece who told her dad, my brother, that she would talk to who she wanted to)! At first I was angry, then I was sad, then I realised that I didn't need them, I didn't miss them, and my life was actually richer and less complicated without them! I do have a wonderful husband and two grown up sons, and a lovely black Lab called Jess, and these to me are all the family I need! I don't miss the traumas, the bitching, the hypocrisy that my family brought. I do hope that one day you will find peace and you will be back in touch with your family if that is what you want. Whatever happens, I hope you will find happiness! My thoughts are with you, and I have a feeling that you are a very strong person, and you will come through this and be the better person for it.

randyalan said...

I wish everything were different too Holly. I also wish for most of the things you wish for. It is truly sad. One constant though is my love for all of you kids. That has and never will change. That includes you too Hol. I will always be here for you. But if our relationship is to heal, you need to at least take a step my way. Even a half step would be a start. By the way, Tuck looks like a great dog. Love you Holly