Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Boys and Babies

I've been convicted lately about a lot of things and one those is "boldly blogging," talking about real life issues instead of just glazing the surface. So I'm choosing an issue today in my life to boldly blog about (there are so many to choose from right now!) so here goes.

Most of my adult life from about age 19 to now has been motivated by some sort of direction or plan that I've followed quite religiously. Until March of 2009, I was living that plan, accomplishing the clear and definite goals I'd laid out for myself and finding pride in my accomplishments.

Boys were never in that equation.

Now, I wish they had been.

Because really, I don't have many options in the man-pool when it comes to good, quality husband material and I do blame myself for that in some moments. In college, I was so focused on studying, making good grades, getting those degrees that I never pursued a relationship. Post-college, I spent so much time developing my talent and pursuing my career that I never took the time to "be" in the same circles as single men.

Now here I am.

I'm 26, I have two college degrees, I have passions, I've had a career and now ... I would like companionship. And I really want to be a mom.

Don't misunderstand. I have no regrets. I've lived my life in such a way that even mistakes aren't regrets to me because every event, situation and circumstance have been woven together to make me the person I am today.

But I am pursuing my man options.

Or, as pursuing as I can be right now, which includes taking advantage of eHarmony's Free Communication Weekend and signing up for the ten-day free trial at Christian Cafe and even browsing CraigsList personal ads.

All of these things are .... good, I suppose, because I'm out there, I'm browsing (and yes, when looking at hundreds of profiles, it is considered browsing or *ahem* shopping, especially when my sisters are involved in the hunt with me.) But it's hard over the internet, you know.

An immediate turn-off! for me is consistent improper grammar and spelling. I can't handle that. I know I'm not perfect but I don't see myself with someone who doesn't know that the contraction of "you are" is spelled "you're" and not "your."

I communicated with a guy but we exchanged pictures and I had zero physical attraction to him and as mean and conceited as that sounds, I had to admit that I couldn't pursue a relationship where there wasn't some sort of physical attraction.

Being an outdoors person is important to me. I mean, I do live on 32,000 acres and even though I might not be here for the rest of my life, I will always have some sort of hand in the country.

Also, there's something about being a single child that's a slight turn-off for me (over the internet, anyway) because with my family as big as it is, someone who's been raised as the center of attention will probably feel lost when surrounded by my family. And that conjurs up feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, insecurity and selfishness that I'm not really interested in.

Can you see why finding the right person is difficult for me?

So, you're probably asking, "what type of person do you look at?"

Profiles are attractive to me when they include things like:

- good grammar and sentence structure
- an education
- outdoorsy
- faith-filled
- wants children

Oh, speaking of wanting children, I WANT CHILDREN!

To the point, that I don't see a man as a necessary part of the process of becoming a mother, much to the debate of friends and family. In my baby-crazed opinion, I view adoption as a serious consideration for someone my age, single or not.

I want to be a mom.

And I'm trying really hard to do this the conventional way. Find a man, get married, start a family.

But I'm stuck (STUCK!) on the finding a man part and I've never been one to wait around on a man for something I want.

(this is my attempt at boldly blogging, despite how self-centered and feministic this whole post may sound.)

I don't need encouragement or phrases like, "The right guy will come along" or "You'll find him someday" or "Just keep waiting, he's right around the corner," because, honestly, I don't believe in blanket statements like that and do you really know that? Have you seen him around the corner, waiting for the right moment to POP out at me? Have you seen the future to know that I will find him someday or that he will (eventually) come along?

I am (trying to) rest(ing) in the fact that God is in control of my future. Yes, that is, indeed, a blanket statement but it's one I'm sure of. I'm not saying that the fact I'm still single is a direct correlation of his will. It could be because my own wounding kept me from seeing or engaging in a relationship that God may have wanted me to see or engage in. It could be that I wasn't in the right place at the right time.

It could be that my fear of being rejected kept me from taking risks.

So I'm asking for His grace over that season in my life and now that I am heal(ing) from those wounds, that I will live and take the right risks that lead to blessing.


Mary Zolene said...

I am a fan of your honest blogging.. and the grammar criteria doesn't surprise me in the least! Haha

randy said...

Hey Holly. As a professional of the online dating sites I will try and steer you in the right direction. There are two sites that I know of that you can correspond with people without paying. You should try those. They are and See what you think.