Sunday, June 13, 2010

Tough(er) Nut to Crack

I've been described as prickly.
Sometimes rude and stand-offish.
Sometimes blunt and/or harsh.

I don't trust people easily.
I don't believe what people say just because they say it.
I don't rely on actions either; as it turns out, some people can fake it for awhile.

I'm cynical and sarcastic.

These are all things that life (my life) have nurtured me to be.

But really, I want to believe you.
I want to accept your actions as proof that you mean what you say.
I want so badly to take your word for it and trust you.
I hate second-guessing you.
I want to welcome you with open arms and not listen to the whispers of warning that reverbrate in my head.
I want to be naive enough to believe that I can accept you at face value.

This is my nature.

So I'm left feeling disillusioned because you're not the person I thought you were.
I feel jaded because you robbed me of my innocent trust, forgiveness and re-acceptance.
I am mad as hell because you lied .... and I believed you.

In a matter of hours I've felt all these emotions and then suddenly, relief and upon that, an incredible will and power to survive.

That's part of the equation you and admittedly, I, forgot about.
"When God made women, he gave us the ability to survive...." and not only survive but live and live well.

Yes, you have made me a tougher nut to crack. I'm afraid because I can feel myself wanting to turn into a bitter woman who falls headlong into my nurture without so much as a second glance at my nature.

I'm looking at nurture and I'm eyeing nature and maybe in the end, I'll have a little of both.

A little trust; a little caution.
A dash of prickliness blended with acceptance.
Humor laced with cynicism.
A little nutshell stuck to the meat of me.
Blunt truth with a touch of mercy.

And at some point, I'll have to make a diving choice - to trust or not to trust?

I'm pretty sure of that answer.

Thank you, nature.


Anonymous said...

Poetically honest and refreshing. I love that you are true to who you are with no shame or guilt just open vulnerability that challenges us to look at our own hearts with the same courage to be real.

Wholly Wholistic said...

I love you. And that is all. Actually, that is far from all, but it's all I can say right now. We are so similar it's scary...

Wholly Wholistic said...

Oh PS, Wholly Wholistic is my new blog...haven't quite gotten around to publisizing it yet...