I could marry you. If you knew me.

I’m an optimistic realist, but how does that translate into my celebrity crushes?

My optimism would like to believe that my chances of bumping into Mike Rowe in Starbucks and him asking for my number are pretty good.

Realistically? Not bound to happen.

Same goes for Danny Forester, who my heart instantly sank for while watching “Build it Bigger” and him getting stuck in concrete on top of a dam in the middle of whatever country he was in at the time. I Googled him. I found his number. I called it. I did not leave a message (despite urging from my little brother.)

I have a crush on Joel Stein. I Googled him too: is Joel Stein married? Yes. Yes, he is.

You all know I like football. I really like it when Jason Witten (#82, tight end for the Dallas Cowboys) takes off his helmet. He’s 29! Optimistically, I could love him.

“What do you have to do to meet these guys?” I asked a friend in the Starbucks drive-thru. It’s a favorite place of ours. To talk, to converse through the microphone with the drive-thru employee, to compliment their new “fall line-up.”

My optimism is stretching.

But, really. Who do you have to hang out with to know these people?

We decided on the following:

Charity events. Night clubs, maybe strip joints. Know a friend. Of a friend of a friend. Or, develop a story idea in which these individuals must be interviewed.

Optimistically, it might not be as hard as I’m mentally making it out to be.

Realistically, it’s probably harder.