Saturday, August 22, 2009

"Awful, Beautiful Life"

Life in the past eight days has been very emotional and just tough. It's like all the forces of "things-not-going-as-planned" joined together and BAM! hit all at once in eight days. Reminds me of what life used to be like not so long ago and makes me thankful that I don't live under such stress and oppression all the time.

I've been wondering lately (actually, for a few months): is God even listening? Have I somehow along the way lost our Connection? Because life, my life, is not going as planned.

As I have planned.

Yesterday I was working at Curves and admittedly, a glazed, numb look was over my eyes. I cannot hide my emotions. It's all right there, on my face, in my eyes for everyone to see.
For the past three or four days my flight response has been in full force - run! hide! retreat! But I didn't.

A lady came in to Curves to work out (she's a self-proclaimed evangelist). It was just her and I in the club and she asked me if I was married. Looking back, that was how she sucked me into the conversation because me and my numb eyes got up and went to talk to her. Then she started in about how my overweightness is the reason why I have self-esteem and self-confidence issues and that I need to get up and start exercising. I tried to interject something about my "health problems" and she said I needed to stop making excuses. So I just quit talking, nodded every once in awhile and tried to wipe the numb look out of my eyes.

Really. If being overweight was the only thing I had to worry about right now, life would be awesome.

But it's not.

Yesterday I prayed a very specific prayer. Maybe "prayed" isn't the right word - more like, demanded, pleaded, interceded for, begged.

I prayed for a house for Katie. More specifically, I asked God to please, please honor the decision she has made and to please, please, please bless her. She'd been looking for houses for a week and nothing had turned up - her discouragement was palpable and there was nothing I could do but make a request.

In the God-I-know form, He answered. Today.

We all went and looked at a house that someone told us about and it's perfect. Perfect in location, price, all the things she wanted. It's hers.

Thank you, Lord.

He's me. I know that now.

So I'm asking myself maybe I'm not asking God for the right things for myself. I'm asking for the things I want. Maybe I'm still not surrendered to what He wants. Or maybe He's already answered - just not in the way I'd like.

This life really is awful and beautiful.

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