Tuesday, August 23, 2011

on days like this

My momma told me there’d be days like this…

The song’s been in my head all afternoon, but when I Googled the lyrics, I 1) didn’t understand them and then 2) realized they had nothing to do with my current mood.

Or maybe they do. Like I said, I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around them on days like this.

On days like this, I’m wishing for days like yesterday, and for days tomorrow and the next day when the object of my worries isn’t what’s plaguing me today because today feels insurmountable.

I am fighting Worry and Worry is fighting me and on days like this, I’m losing.
Losing steam, losing energy, losing sleep, losing peace, losing motivation.

So I curled up in my brother’s bed for 4.5 hours Sunday and slept.

I feel so fragile right now. And raw, I told a friend.

And then, somewhere in my soul, much like in many women’s souls, grit gets restless on days like this.

It starts deep before surfacing. Gentle breaths of hope collide with the ice around my core until finally its warmth has dissipated negativity and my heart wants to explode with new energy.

But, on days like this, my mind doesn’t want to.

“Tenacity is when you follow your heart – when the whole world is screaming to get back into your head.”

The gentle breaths are becoming more forceful.

2 comments:

Kristin said...

I'm praying for the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, to be present in your life.

The Logarithmic Spiral said...

I hate and I love that I could have written this post. Last night, my therapist told me I was borderline depressed and then she told me I need to do things for myself and take care of "the glowing light inside" so it won't be extinguished. So, now I'm telling you.

Things I am doing to nourish and be gentle with myself: starting to dance again, taking my niece to the playground, joining a wholistic food group, going to the ocean just to listen to the surf, attending a spiritual deliverance and healing course at a local church.

Though the darkness may last through the night, joy comes with the morning. Sometimes it's all we can do just to cling to God's promises and hold Him to them. I love you. I'm praying for you. I know you and I are both too strong, beautiful, and courageous to let this beat us. I love you (again)