Wednesday, January 5, 2011

inadequacy becomes running

On my less glorious days, I am snowed under by a heavy weight of inadequacy. It starts out as a whisper in the back of my mind then I'll hear snippets of a conversation that doesn't even belong to me or read benign words unrelated to my life and suddenly, glaring at me is a big fat Something that I'm not doing right. And then, before long, I'm buried by my own reproach.

I'm just not good enough ... not quite reaching the standard.

Since I started my Discovery! journey, I've learned tools to combat that. I've learned to recognize stressors and remove myself from conversations or situations that would prove harmful to me.

But then sometimes, like four days ago, I close my eyes and roll back into the warmth of my bed to wrestle peace into my mind before getting up. And, admittedly, to hide too.

And two days ago, my hands hesitated on the shower faucet when I went to turn the water off. Instead I stood under the falling water for just a few more minutes to retreat into the warmth.

Despite the strength I've gained, my inadequacies still forces my soul to curl up and hide sometimes ... on my less glorious days.

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